Hear the One About the Godfather's Deaf Bookkeeper?

This is a joke in the manner of "did you hear the one about..."

A Mafia Godfather is missing around $10 million in cash and eventually discovers (through the process of elimination) that Guido, his bookkeeper, is responsible for the theft.



Now Guido is deaf, and that has a lot to do with why the mob boss hired him in the first place. The boss had made the simple assumption that Guido would never hear anything incriminating, so he'd never flip and testify against him (yes, Guido still had incriminating knowledge from doing the books, but hey, this is a joke...)

The Godfather brings along his consiglieri, Luigi, who knows sign language, to confront Guido about the missing $10 million. Why does the consiglieri know sign language? Because the Godfather doesn't. To explain as swiftly as possible: the boss knew he'd need to communicate with Guido occasionally, so he had ordered Luigi to learn to sign. The boss could have told Luigi, "I'm too busy" or "I don't have time, etc.", but the simple fact was the boss didn't have the slightest interest in learning sign language. There were 100,000-plus things he'd rather do. And it was only fitting that Luigi learn since Luigi, a good consiglieri, was the first man to point out this potential problem.


So one night the two gangsters paid the deaf accountant a visit at his home. The accountant, a Sicilian, was a bachelor who lived alone in a modest one-floor house.

The Godfather tells Luigi, "Ask Guido, where's my fcking money?"

The consiglieri uses sign language to ask: "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

Luigi tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

In one swift motion, the Godfather whips out his locked-and-loaded .357 handgun and presses the muzzle to Guido's temple.

There's a soft click sound as the Godfather flips the safety off. (It annoys him that Guido can't hear it.)

"Ask him again!" the boss shouts.

The consiglieri signs to Guido, "He'll kill you right here and now unless you answer truthfully. Tell him and he won't kill you. He probably won't continue to employ you, I mean, what do you expect? But you'll live. You're a citizen ... Trust me, I know this man."

Guido, who is Sicilian, does his best to show a brave face. He holds himself with dignity despite the fact that his heart gallops and he's perspiring.

Now Guido is quite guilty of the crime. Somehow the boss has learned this. Someone betrayed him, ratting him out and endangering his very life. An honorable man no doubt was responsible.

Guido sees no escape other than to follow the advice Luigi has offered him, even though Luigi -- and the boss, for that matter -- aren't Sicilians. (As far as Guido knows, anyway.)

Guido signs back, "I did steal the money. It's in a brown leather briefcase behind the shed at my son's house. You know my son, Bruno...that briefcase was once my father's... it's behind the shed in the backyard of my son's house."

The Godfather still holds the muzzle to Guido's temple (and to his surprise, feels an increasing urge to squeeze the trigger.... it's been so long, he thinks).

He asks Luigi, "Well, what did he say?"

The consiglieri looks downward, seemingly with great regret, and replies:

"Guido says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


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