Is Mob Whipping Boy Seagal the Lamest Guy Ever?

Seagal reportedly owes
his former producer
half a million dollars.
In January 2012, we highlighted a piece running on the UK's Mail Online about the ongoing lawsuit regarding Steven Seagal, the martial arts actor, who was accused of failing to repay the $500,000 he allegedly owed film producer Julius Nasso.

"In 2002 Nasso sued his Seagal for $60 million, claiming he backed out on four planned action films," the article reports."The flamboyant star claimed he walked because the violent movies were at odds with his Buddhist religious belief.

"However he would later testify that after breaking ties with Nasso he was shaken down by soliders from the Gambino mafia family in the back room of a Brooklyn steakhouse.

"He said a reputed mob captain told him he would be sorry if he did not start working with Nasso again, and that he would also have to pay an extra $150,000 per movie.

"The mobsters were caught laughing about the incident on an FBI wiretap."

We don't know how that lawsuit came out for Seagal, but we do know we loved this blog post about him as soon as we read it -- and couldn't wait to share it with you.

Titled "Steven Seagal Is the Lamest Guy Ever," it is running on VICE, wherein it begins with:

Seagal and a panda -- is he going to eat
it or f--k it? These days, one can't really
tell what the hell's going on with him.
About a year ago I wrote a thing about how Johnny Depp just might be the lamest guy on Earth.

For some reason, a lot of people remember that post, and it's frequently brought up to me by fucking geniuses who say things like "Uhhhh, so you think Johnny Depp is the lamest guy on Earth? What about Kim Jong-un? What about the Dark Knight shooter?"

OBVIOUSLY, I did not mean Johnny Depp is LITERALLY the worst person on Earth. Just because he wears dumb hats and is in shitty movies and is, generally, just an all-around unbearably smug turd, I know that doesn't mean he is worse than a dictator or mass murderer. I am not retarded. CLEARLY, if we're looking at and considering every single person in the entire world and being completely and totally literal, Steven Seagal comes out the worst.

Here are the most terrible things I can think of about him...


  1. You gotta check out the jump to the blog post!

    He writes about the "reality" show:

    "I assume everyone already knows about this, but just to be sure: in March 2011, while filming his reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman (the one where he pretended to be a policeman) Steven was involved in a raid on a person's house that resulted in the death of a puppy and 115 chickens.

    "Jesus Llovera was suspected of cockfighting. So Mr. Seagal, Sheriff Joe Arpaio (who, himself, is a pretty terrible guy), a camera crew, and a SWAT team turned up at his house with a tank, some other armored vehicles, and a fucking bomb robot.

    "Despite the fact that Jesus had no history of weapon ownership, was home alone, and was suspected of cockfighting rather than like, bomb making or murder or something, Steven was allowed to drive a tank through the front wall of the man's home, while the SWAT team smashed through his windows and moved in to arrest him. A puppy belonging to Jesus's children was killed during the raid, and the 115 chickens that Steven and pals were there to rescue ended up being euthanized on the spot. When asked for a comment by a local news station, Seagal said, "animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves."

    "Also, can you imagine how fucking humiliating it must be to get arrested by Steven Seagal on camera? No matter what your crime is, if you have to go through that level of shame they should just release you with the crime removed from your record. It's inhumane."

  2. And of course my favorite!


    In a 2002 profile in Vanity Fair, martial artist Gene LeBell claimed he choked out Steven during an Aikido exhibition, causing Seagal to poop in his pants. Steven denies it ever happened. But he also said he was a multilingual, Yakuza fighting, CIA assassin. So, ya know...

  3. Ed, around 2004 Steven Seagal had a Akeida Dojo (I may have spelled it wrong) that was opened to the public advertising that he was the owner and that he would be in town teaching classes for this martial art style. He further said when he was not in the area that he would have the man who taught him there teaching the classes and that there was limited spaces for people to sign up. The advertisments had said things like "learn the incredible fighting style of Steven Seagal" "Lean how to fight like Steven does in your favorite movies of his" "Learn how to meditate and become like the man himself." Well a ton of people enrolled and were expecting to be taught by him or his sensi like he advertised it. The cost was 50 dollars per class (NOT PER MONTH) per 1 hour class and you had to enroll in at least 2 classes per week for a minimum of 6 weeks to start and it did include your little outfit and 1st belt. WELL, come the first class there was no Steven and NO Steven Sensai it was some man from California who once trained with him many years ago and Steven asked to open and run this location. Moral of this rant is that the man is so full of shit, a scam artist, and a rip off. I know a few people who demanded their own monies back due to false advertising and over the course of 4 months the place was closed because I am assuming the other members were pissed and asked for their money back as well. He never showed his face not once.

  4. Probably because he poops himself during these events! See my comment above yours...


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